privilege or right?

It's funny how late in December we are all burnt out from all the holiday excitement, spending time with family, breaks from school, lengthy meal preparations and entertaining, etc.  I truly enjoy the holiday season, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happy that it's over.  I feel like such a Scrooge saying that.  I love to sit in my living room and enjoy the twinkle of Christmas lights on the tree, watching a gentle snow falling outside.  But lets be honest, that scene is a small fragment of an entire month of chaos.

Here we are in January, and it's time to let the dogs out for the 600th time today.  Seriously, could there be any more interruptions?  It's no wonder I display so many symptoms of attention deficit disorder.  My life is great, I have no real complaints.  But, I need to master my life, I need to practice the art of letting go.  Oh, it's definitely an art.  And I need to fine tune my skills.

My father.  *sigh*  What can I say?  I let him disappoint me.  This is my first exercise in letting go.  I will not blame him for his actions any longer, I will take ownership for my reaction to them.  I should expect that when he says he will be here, that he actually will be here.  This is how most of us operate.  We expect somebody to follow through when they say they will do something.  My father is different.  He does not see the importance of driving all the way to my house early Christmas morning, just to eat breakfast with his children and grandchildren.  He already arranged for the grandkids Christmas presents to be purchased and wrapped by their Aunt, so he feels like showing up is a waste of gas, and time.  Especially since he eats breakfast much earlier than when it will be served.  He is most sentimental in hindsight, and no amount of hindsight will give him forethought.

I often have dreamed about the idyllic life one has with a loving father who puts his children first and has made sacrifices for them.  The kind who is weary of any boy who tries to pursue his daughter, and will attempt to scare them into being good to their baby.  The kind who would protect his daughter from harm of any kind.

I need to let this go, because if I don't, I will continue to be disappointed.  I need to arrive at a place in my mind, where the only person who holds the power to disappoint me, is myself.

By the time a man is almost 70, his ways are pretty much set in stone.  If his priorities are not with family and cherishing the time he has left with them, there is not anything I can do to change him.  His changes are his own.

I struggle though, with not doing everything I can to help him see his errors so he CAN change them.  The thing is, is that he knows.  He asked for my forgiveness for blowing off Christmas.  He's aware.  He made the choice to go out drinking all night with his buddy, and here I am carrying the baggage for it.  I have tried to help him see his ways.  Heck, I don't even know where he is living.  I've asked for his address, he answers me with 'Barrington'.  

I think this year will hold many changes.   But my biggest question right now is not knowing if I should cut him out of my life.  He clearly doesn't want to be part of it.  This isn't the first time he's done this.  This has been happening for more than 30 years.  Should I continue to invite him, and let him continue to make these choices or do I stop inviting him and not give him a choice in the matter?  If I stop inviting, then I am actively being the one to shut him out.  If I continue to invite, then I am being passive and potentially allowing him to hurt me.  How do I control this if I continue to be passive?   If this were a friend, the answer would be clear to me.  But the stupid DNA has to muck everything up.  Shouldn't we be allowed to choose who gets the privilege to stay in our lives?   I think, yes.

Fall is in the air

     I've been away a bit.  have you noticed?  I didn't think so.  I am here now though, and I'm here to tell you about what I plan to do in the garden this weekend.  The weather is cool right now, but we're not out of the woods for more hot weather days.  We've officially entered the season in Chicago where you may require heat and air conditioning in any given 24 hour period.  I have a few perennials that need to be planted, and I'd like to get my beds freshly edged.  My daylily are looking pretty ratty and I prefer to cut some foliage off in fall, versus waiting until spring, to clean it up a bit.  I leave on about 8 inches, because I notice in Spring the foliage I've left is a matted mess and it's usually sopping wet and gross.
     My garlic has been ordered and I believe is shipping to me or will be very soon.  I have coming 1/4 lb each of Mild French, Chesnok Red and Red Rezan.  I'm not a garlic expert so I chose these varieties based on the description on the website, as follows:

Mild French: Most often 4 clove layers, with 13-16 cloves, taller growing and earlier maturing than other silverskins.  This garlic is excellent for braiding.  has a moderate heat during the fall/winter but gets hotter as it stores so that by spring it is quite hot and strong.  this will be my storing garlic that I will braid.

Chesnok Red which is a purple stripe hardneck variety:  Best performing purple stripe, top cooking garlic that holds shape and retains flavor after it is cooked.  Very large bulbs that average 9-10 easy to peel cloves.  one of the best baking garlics.

Then there is Red Rezan, a Glazed purple stripe with a tinge of gold, from south Moscow.  Strong lasting flavor but not hot and no aftertaste.  This is a hardneck variety that will not succumb well to braiding, and doesn't store as long, so Red Rezan and Chesnok Red will be the first garlic we use.

     I also have a small collection of spring bulbs that need planting.  Tulips, Daffodils, Crocus and Muscari.  I forget the tulip varieties, but will make note before planting.  Also on the agenda is cleaning up the spent vegetable plants.  The peppers, zucchini, cukes, and tomatoes, and harvest the big beautiful bush of basil for drying.  I'd also like to see what I can do to prepare for next years new raised beds.

     Also on my agenda is the usual housework, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, dishes, etc.  I have an amazing husband though who doesn't expect gourmet meals every night, isn't afraid to fold a towel, or to handle some cooking tasks.  He also isn't afraid to load the dishwasher.  I know ladies, he's a keeper, so get your own man!

     I also need to pencil in a little 'me' time.  I've been doing Pilates every day, and have gone on a couple of 2 miles walks with the dogs after dinner.  I'm sad the fall weather doesn't last long, because I love a walk in the crisp fall air, but not so much the frigid winter air.  I'll take advantage while I can!  Have a good weekend my friends!

Vapors delight

It's been a little bit since I blogged.  If I'm being honest, it's only because I have been a bit on the cranky side.  I would not be able to keep it out of my posts, and so I chose not to commit any of the toxicity to electronic paper.  As far as what caused such toxicity, I will only say it is a combination of premenstrual hormones, medicine imbalance, and a multitude of outside influences.  I am here today though, and I have a big smile on my face J  I hope you do too. 

            I was able to procure the ingredients to make my own smoke juice.  For those who are not familiar what this is, it’s the liquid that is put into the cartridge of an electronic cigarette.  Back in the beginning of the year I was turned on to electronic cigarettes as an alternative to smoking tobacco cigarettes.  After trying one, I was able to completely stop burning tobacco cigarettes.  Is this safer?  Well, educated reasoning tells me yes, it’s safer.  Is it completely risk free?  That remains to be seen.  But I can tell you this.  There are only a few chemicals in the smoke juice.  There is no tar, no arsenic, no formaldehyde and I’ve also dumped 600+ cancer causing ingredients when I said goodbye to Marlboro’s.  The vaporizing ingredient in smoke juice is the same ingredient they put into inhalers to vaporize and deliver albuterol/medicine into the lungs of an asthma patient.  The concept here though, is that instead of albuterol, it delivers diluted nicotine.  I have not exactly kicked my addiction, but I have stopped smoking cancer sticks.  I’ve stopped polluting the air with second hand smoke, and I’ve stopped putting the filters into landfills.  I don’t smell bad anymore, my tissues are recovering, my lungs are not heavy with tar and I have been able to manipulate my addiction to a lesser level without major withdrawal symptoms.  I no longer need a smoke when I wake up, or after I eat, or when I’m driving.  I am however able to take a hit off my e-smoke and nobody is any the wiser.  All I need is 1 or 2 hits and I’m good for a while.  The other plus side to this endeavor is that since converting, I have found some delicious flavors; chocolate truffle, Espresso, chocolate glazed donut, cherry cheesecake, strawberry, peach.  I couldn’t handle the flavor of a real cigarette if I tried.  Yuck.   The flavor comes from candy flavoring.  It’s highly concentrated.  It’s not sweetened though.  That’s an important part.  The cartridges would not fare well with any syrups.  It must be pure flavoring.  LorAnn oils and Capella flavoring are two that I am familiar with.  There are so many flavors it’s incredible.  The cartrdiges are sold thru an online supplier as well, and must be compatible with the battery (I have a D2/E9)  They can be filled multiple times and even cleaned with rubbing alcohol to remove residue from the fibers inside.  After a while the cartridge does need to be tossed, because the flavor gets wonky and it feels sort of clogged and hard to drag.   I use a ratio of 80% pre-diluted nicotine in Propylene Glycol, to 20% flavoring.  What impresses me the most about e-smoking is the throat hit and the vapor.  I’ve found I could do without the exhaled vapor, but the throat hit is necessary to replace tobacco altogether.  For me anyway.  I am currently enjoying Chocolate glazed donut.   It’s delicious, and I can even taste a lingering flavor of the pastry itself.  

           Nicotine is a highly toxic substance though, and needs to be handled with extreme care.  Your skin is a delivery method for this toxic chemical so you must use protection when working with it.  Also, it is a good idea to keep this stored away from children, preferably in a lockable box of some sort, way up high. 

            This winter, when I would normally head outside in the freezing cold windchills to stink myself up and poison myself, I can stay inside where it’s warm, and enjoy my coffee and I don’t have to worry about second hand smoke with my kids.  I highly encourage anybody who is interested in trying e-smoking, to give it a try.  A D2 USB pass-thru (corded cigarette that plugs into your computer) is $20.  Cartridges are about $8 for 5, which could last you about a month.  The premade smoke juice is about $20 a bottle and that lasted me about 3-4 weeks.  For comparison, I was smoking about 10-13 cigarettes a day.  Compare that to 5$ a pack, and it’s a no-brainer.  This is cheaper, and it tastes better.  There are also tobacco flavored juices, if that’s what you fancy.  I prefer chocolate J 

            For reference, I purchased my D2 pass-thru battery and blank cartridges at www.lecig.com.  The premade smoke juice I purchased thru www.johnsoncreeksmokejuice.com .  To make my own juice, I ordered liquid nicotine thru www.nicvape.com at 25 mg/ml. and the candy flavoring was procured thru Amazon since I have no candy making shops near me. 

            I hope you’ve learned something thru this post, and if you’re interested in making the switch to e-cigs, you don’t have to make a huge investment to try it.  Even if it’s only a part-time thing, go for it!  I did, and I’m so glad.  J  

Make a Living Succulent Picture

I must do this. I think it would make a lovely handmade gift for a gardener!

Make a Living Succulent Picture:

'via Blog this'

The joys of instilling knowledge

I have started doing home preschool.  Oh, no no no, it's not what you think.  Only to MY OWN children.  I'm not that crazy!
I am not doing this so that I can spend my days sugar coating my frustration, not being heard.  Nor because I want to see how deep into my soul I have to dig for everlasting patience, or how many creative ways I can praise.  I'm doing this because I am home with my children and I am being afforded a great opportunity to be here.  We can't really afford the cost for somebody else to do it, and I want to see my children learn.  I wasn't able to do this for my older two, so this is huge to me.

We are utilizing the education.com worksheets.  There are so many worksheets to pick from.  I also have a workbook that includes lesson plans for preschool and then also kindergarten.

My biggest issue right now is that my son cannot sit still.  He's goofing off, and giving wrong answers (he has known his alphabet since he was 2, and suddenly he doesn't know that D comes after C.).  This attention seeking behavior has been frustrating.  It takes us an hour to get through tracing the alphabet.  I am exhausted.  honestly.  Mainly because I KNOW he knows.  he was up at 6:30 this morning, it's now 8:30 pm and he has finally stopped coming out of his room for one reason or another.  Anything to not have to go to sleep.  holy cow.  I'm so over this day.

Japanese Lilac problems continue

I have contacted the Morton Arboretum this morning and have submitted some photos to ther plant clinic. This is what I'm facing. cauliflower like green growths coming from all the branches. It's crazy. I hope to hear back what they believe the issue to be. Morton Arboretun is amazing. If they don't have the answer, then this has never been seen before. haha

Stay tuned!

EDIT:  I received a response back from the plant clinic at Morton Arboretum.  I'm not 100% sure what it means yet, but I'm hopeful.  I will do some googling (gosh that sounds so personal) and see what it all means.    their response was:

Sorry for the delay in replying to your email. We have forwarded the photos to our pathologist for an opinion.   She is gone until Wednesday.  

What we can tell from your pictures is the lenticels (stomatas) are swollen. They are involved in gas exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide during photosynthesis and respiration.  During really wet periods the stomatas take in water  (and possibly fungus (?) that can  form a corky mass under the bark and around the lenticels.  Literature does not say this is life-threatening but we are asking to be sure and will get back to you.

~~~~~~~  

I am excited to hear what the pathologist has to say.  Who knew that there was such a thing as a horticulture pathologist?  Not me, but I'm sure grateful there is!  

Saturdays in the yard

 I love me a Saturday with nice weather.  I feel like the entire day is mine.  I wake up with a cup of coffee, take the dogs out and walk the yard.  Check everything over for problems and know that whatever it is, I can get to it today because there are other people here who can do things for the little ones.  And then what happens is my mind is so ambitious, and I don’t get to it all, and then I’m frustrated.  I need to be better about knowing how long things take, and how much free time I really have.  I don’t seem to take into account that life happens while I’m in the garden.  Sometimes the kids do need me, sometimes I have to take a break because I am human and need water and food, and a few minutes of rest.  The other issue I face is that I always have multiple projects brewing in my head.  Sometimes it’s difficult for me to finish one I’ve started before moving on to the next.  I think it’s a slight form of ADD, but nobody else does.    

Currently, I have a Sugar Maple that is struggling.  After it was planted there was a good wind that literally blew it down until the top branches touched the fence.  It also had aphids a couple years back, and since then it just hasn’t been the same.  It’s still alive, and it’s leafed out, but one of the main branches coming from the trunk has died back, and it seems to start turning color earlier than any other tree.  I know I need to prune the bad branch out, but I just haven’t done it yet.  I have no excuse except that I’ll need to get on a ladder and I’m afraid of heights.  I have been adding magnesium sulfate to the soil (Epsom Salt) and gently feeding it (though, I've stopped for the year).  I pray for a full recovery at some point because that tree will provide a great deal of shade for our home.  I’m also thinking I might stake it.  A parkway tree out front that was hit by a car during a snow storm has done a complete 180 since being staked.  They both suffered the same damage to their roots; one from wind, one from a car. 

My Japanese Lilac has these little cauliflower shaped growths on the branches.  I seriously cannot figure out what it is.  I wish Sid’s was still open.  What am I going to do? I need to find another great nursery.  I know I can utilize the services of the Illinois Extension Office, and even the Morton Arboretum.  But the fact that I could walk in with a branch, and get a quick answer that also had the right treatment right there and I would be on my way home to treat my tree/shrub/whatever in a matter of about 30-45 minutes, was very convenient.  Because quite frankly, just because gardening is my passion, doesn’t mean I have a lot of time to devote to it.  I’m a lot of things; Mom, Wife, Cook, Chauffer, Personal Assistant, House Elf, Nurse, Dog Groomer, Teacher, oh and Gardener.  J

The garden reflects life that way.  We learn from the problems that come our way.  We don’t always have control over the problems that come our way, but we can learn from them, and try to prevent it happening again.  Sometimes we realize that our own actions created the problem and we must change ourselves to make things better.  My garden teaches me patience, despite the fact I am a reluctant student at times.  I am grateful for the chance to learn firsthand.  I regret nothing, except maybe Heavy Metal Switch Grass J  Happy Gardening!